Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
