There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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