I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
