how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
