My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
