this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
