theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We have started to decorate penises.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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