She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Dicks are not precious.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
