I wanna passion pit in your ass
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
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I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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