THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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