Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
i think my cat just said my name.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
