There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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