Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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