I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
