We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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