I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
