Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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