WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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