Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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