just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
