She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
