Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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