she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
