Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
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