Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize