how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
