i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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