Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
