I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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