i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Life without a bra equals bliss.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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