and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
