I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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