2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
