Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
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My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
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The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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