I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
