so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
