if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
