they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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