No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Can you repeat that, but with context?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
