dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
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Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
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Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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