I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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