... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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