just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I touched a dick in church today
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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