i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
