I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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