so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Oh god it's open bar.
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