Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
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My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
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Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.