my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
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I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
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I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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