she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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