you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
