my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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