Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
