After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
