So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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