My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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