Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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