i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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