i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Randomize
