Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
